From Agnostic Mom, Leaving the Church, Part 2:

Extreme Cognitive Dissonance.

I began my own effort to receive an answer from God that The Church was true. I didn’t realize at that time that it was too late. My paradigm had shifted. For the first time ever I had already peeked through Door #2, the door marked “It’s Not True!!!” Once you’ve looked through that door, going back is like trying to pretend that Santa is real once you know he’s not.

Reading this, I feel much as if someone has dipped into my own head. When I began this blog, it was with a “seeker’s” mentality — that I wanted to find The Truth. Thing is, I was comfortable that “truth” would somehow involve the religious beliefs from my childhood. They might have been morphed, perhaps (into a more *genuinely* compassionate and bleeding-heart Jesus-was-a-Liberal variety), but they’d still be there.

I read. And I thought. And the whole time, I buried my head in the sand about what was happening inside of my head and heart. I was becoming — if not atheist — most definitely agnostic. Then came a question from Arwen, one that woke me up. As I wrote an answer, I started to ask myself, Am I Christian at All? After that initial moment of questioning, I quickly resumed convincing myself that I was still a Believer. Whew! Dodged that bullet, didn’t I?

But the thing is, I’d peeked behind the door.

I’d looked behind the Wizard’s curtain to see the old man.

Or maybe I’d opened Pandora’s box. (How fun to use mythology to discuss my losing a belief in religion, no?)

Whatever the label, I’d opened my mind to a train of thought that relied less on fear and tradition and more on what I saw — and what I truly believed. I was on the path to resolving my own cognitive dissonance. I can’t tell you exactly when it happened. This was not a sudden “ah-ha!” moment. Slowly, gradually, I started to realize that when my mouth spoke words about God, I felt like a liar in my head — because I didn’t believe what I was saying. At some point, I finally admitted to myself…I’m not Christian.

There. I said it.

Do you have any idea how difficult that is to write, especially knowing the friends (and family) who read my words here, and for whom this will seem a blow? In part, I think this is why I’ve avoided writing much of late…because this is such a huge shift (yet one that happened over time) in my thinking, that it fundamentally changes who I am, my identity.

The one thing I ask of you, my friends and readers, is this. Feel free to leave comments to this post. Mourn the eternal fate that you believe I’m choosing. If you’re convinced of God’s/Jesus’ work, pray for me at will, if that helps you to feel better. But don’t try to “reconvert” me. Please respect something that isn’t so much a decision I made, but a reality that I’m finally admitting.

So, addressing this post’s title — perhaps the blog name will still apply. It just may be only in the rolling-my-eyes sense…not to be taken literally. But, most likely, to align my blog with my own thoughts, I’ll re-christen (ha!) it, complete with a new subdomain name.

Update: I wrote the contents of this post on December 7, and with the passing of time, I’ve found that the words hold true. I’m no longer Christian — or any other religion, for that matter. This quote tidily sums up my thoughts on the subject:

For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.

– Carl Sagan

As a part of what has already existed in my heart and mind for sometime — but I am only now admitting even to myself — this blog will retire. Its mission was one of seeking, whether in respect to dating/love, politics and answers or spirituality and religion. I still will always seek improvement to my life, but not in the way this blog typified.

My new online home is still somewhat under construction (okay, it’s extremely under construction — I somehow thought that I’d have time to finish the theme after returning from my honeymoon in Costa Rica), but it’s open for visitors. Drop in and have a cup of joe, or a beer, or a glass of wine. I’ll be glad to see you, even if (when!) we disagree on some fundamental issues of life.

My new online home:

It is what it is.

Welcome to Reality.
If you lived here, you’d be home now.