Rough paraphrase of something I told my counselor last week:

Growing up, I never had a concept of myself as an adult.

Seriously, I think my first major depression (at age 26) was largely brought on by a lack of vision for myself and my future. I’d grown up expecting to go to school, get good grades, climb “the ladder” (whichever ladder happened to sit in front of me), get married (right after college, of course), and then…live happily ever after. Or something. Since that didn’t happen, I woke up one day wondering what the hell I was supposed to do next!

Via PZ Myers, I found a thread on Rapture Ready’s bulletin boards that was downright disturbing.

Initial post:
Is it time to get excited? I can’t help the way I feel. For the first time in my Christian walk, I have no doubts that the day of the Lords appearing is upon us. I have never felt this way before, I have a joy that bubbles up every-time I think of him, for I know this is truly the time I have waited for so long. Am I alone in feeling guilty about the human suffering like my joy at his appearing some how fuels the evil I see everywhere. If it were not for the souls that hang in the balance and the horror that stalks man daily on this earth, my joy would be complete. For those of us who await his arrival know, somehow we just know it won’t be long now, the Bridegroom cometh rather man is ready are not.

Example of a following comment:
I too am soooo excited!! I get goose bumps, literally, when I watch what’s going on in the M.E.!! And Watcherboy, you were so right when saying it was quite a day yesterday, in the world news, and I add in local news here in the Boston area!! Tunnel ceiling collapsed on a car and killed a woman of faith, and we had the most terrifying storms I have ever seen here!! But, yes, Ohappyday, like in your screen name , it is most indeed a time to be happy and excited, right there with ya!!

Here’s a link to a cached copy of the thread, since even the folks at Rapture-Ready must have realized the following comments weren’t something to be left posted.

Back to me…because this blog *is* all about ME, you know.

If you’re still reading, you’ve probably already figured out where I’m heading with this. It took a little longer for the mini-lightbulb to illuminate over my head.

I now realize that part of why I never envisioned a future for my life is because I didn’t expect to have a future. I fully expected the world to end.

C’mon. If the world’s just going to end, anyway, why would I need to plan for my own future? Why would I need to save money, develop a career, teach children to become a stronger next generation, (add generally good ideas ad nauseum here)?

In my previous experiences on match.com, I was entertaining a fantasy of man-who-will-save-me and a happily-ever-after future. Trust me when I tell you that I’m now way past that (finally, at nearly 35). I no longer experience a sense of giddiness when I see someone interesting, but rather a mild thought of, “oh, that might work.” I kind of miss the giddy part, to tell the truth.

Isn’t the rapture-ready attitude nothing more than the mother of all knight in shining armor fantasies? If people are preparing for the end of the world , what motivation do they have to improve life right here, right now? Just as I became a better steward of my own life once I decided I might *never* get married, don’t you think humans would take better care of our world, our peace, our environment — if they’d stop waiting for the world to end?

This end-times mentality had an effect on my life outlook, even if it wasn’t conscious. I haven’t been “waiting” for the rapture for many years now, but I still realize (in retrospect) that the mentality I learned as a kid has had some pretty negative impacts on my life.

What I really wonder is how much of this *still* lingers in my subconscious. There are many ways in which my anger at church comes from all of the psychological trauma and erroneous thinking that church gave me. There are a few of you who read here who’ve been through similar ickiness, yet still stay in church (NN, I’m thinking of you!). How do you get past all the bullshit?

Kevin Phillips’ American Theocracy has been sitting on my nightstand for a few weeks now, yet I’ve still not finished it. I keep setting it aside in favor of other, somewhat brighter, books. It’s dry. It’s depressing. It’s probably more than a little alarmist and over-the-top, although reading the RR site makes me wonder about that part.

I’ve finally skipped past the part on oil and energy to push ahead into the portions on religion. I haven’t read enough of it yet to comment, but Echidne has a pretty details post about it today. It’s heavy stuff, and I didn’t labor through all of the theological quotes…just read enough to get a sense of the message. Interesting stuff.

Here’s a sample. You can read the rest here.

The most interesting and frightening aspect of this magical thinking is Rapturism, the belief that we are living in the end-times, that Jesus’s second coming is near. End-timers have always existed in Christianity, but only in the last few decades have they actually had the political power to cause the world to end, and only in the United States. Doesn’t that make shivers run up your spine? That you might live in the country which sort of likes the idea of an apocalypse, because then all the “good” Christians will be sucked up by the heavenly vacuum cleaner, while the rest of us sinners will be put through the heavenly torture mangle? Well, believe it or not, but there are many millions of Americans who are sighing happily right now while listening to the news reports from Lebanon. Every additional death takes them closer to the happy moment when Christ will open up his arms and these Christians will leap into his lap. Later in this post I will share with you some of that happiness of the True Believers Who Have Been Saved.

Yes, it makes me shudder too — because I’ve seen the effect this mentality has had on my own life. Can you imagine how things will play out if there’s political power in the hands of someone who thinks this way?