Pain and Anger. Anger and Pain.
Published by Allison July 19th, 2006 in Annoy Me, Dating, Health & WellnessDo you know what really annoys me?
I mean *really* annoys me?
Being treated as if I’m an inactive slug who eats badly, because I’m still not skinny after having a child. Actually, it doesn’t annoy me. It pisses me off. It also hurts, and I find myself questioning this whole “dating” thing because of it.
Where’s this coming from? Here’s where.
Pursuant to last weekend’s date: (see the comments for his initial reply)
My apologies for not getting back to you sooner. I’ve been busy plus it takes me a while to unpack how I feel about a date.
So, yes. I think we are a good cultural and intellectual fit, and counter to you apology, I really enjoyed the spunky, out-there you. However, I do have some ambivalence around the curvy body type thing (curvy is not my preference). You raised it a few times during our date so I feel a bit more comfortable talking about it here. I know myself well enough that if we dated, I would be ambivalent…which is not fair to you or to myself. Basically, the ‘no’ has to take precedence even if there is a solid ‘yes’ in the picture as well.
So, yeah, that’s where I’m at. And if you would like, I’m very open to staying in touch at a friend level (though I know the reality of converting a date into a friendship (especially a semi-long distance one) is rare).
A couple comments:
- I’d already written this guy off. Even if he’d written something glowing asking me out for this weekend, I’d have likely declined. Waiting so long to reply was (IMO) a pretty clear indication that he wasn’t “that into me,” and I prefer to not waste my time on such.
- If he’d somehow convinced me he really was into me, that would tell me that he’s playing some games. I don’t have the time or patience for those, either.
- I actually respect that this guy was willing to know his own preferences and to be honest about them. As much as it hurts, at least now I KNOW what the problem is, rather than speculating about it…or pushing it to the back of my mind and moving on to the next one.
So, if I’d already written this off (like deleted him off my “current matches” page, even), why does this still bother me so much? I’ll tell you why. It’s because I’m hearing exactly what I expected to hear, and what I anticipate hearing from any man I meet.
I hike. Miles. I sweat, and I work. I eat well. I lift weights.
But for the attitude I get, I might as well just quit and dine on Ben & Jerry’s for the rest of my existence. I don’t blame this guy for seeing me as somehow undeserving because I’m wearing a size 12/14 right now. Do you want to know why on that one? It’s because I despise myself for it, too. After I finish despising myself for being fat, then I despise myself for looking down on fat in and of itself. The cycle of loathing keeps increasing, until I hit a point where I hate everyone.
Fuck me. I have a dinner date with a new man, also from match.com, planned for Friday. Earlier today, I was thinking about some things to write about something he said to me yesterday:
For Friday evening, I think we should have dinner and enjoy a walk outside somehow. I don’t know much about the nightlife [in your town], but I will do a bit of research, I have a few possibilities to look into. I mostly want to simply talk with you and find out more about what you’re about. I have to say, you will make it easy for me as I will look forward to sharing your company no matter what we do. Give me a little time to look into some highlights we may be able to partake in.
Thank you for choosing to go out with me, I will be in touch with some ideas for our date. If you have any burning desires , feel free to let me know.
(bold added)
He’s correct to look forward to knowing me. I’m worth knowing, goddammit. I’m funny. I’m cute. I’m intelligent and have interests that roam all over the place. I’m attentive, and I know how to listen rather than just talk about me-me-me. (I get that out of my system here.)
But here’s the dig. It doesn’t seem to matter to most men, the ones I’ve met, anyway. I “need” to drop twenty pounds. Twenty-five would put me into stone-cold-hottie-stopping-traffic territory, but 20 would do. 15 would even be fine.
This (new) man has given me no reason to think that he’d be so shallow as to esesntially tell me, “you’re incredible, but you have a fat ass, so you’re not worth my time.” Still, I want to cancel Friday and go hide in a closet for the next few months. Or, at least, until I get to see the goddamned endocrinology doctor in a few weeks.
The very fact that I felt a need to (offhand) comment about being “curvy” to the Friday-guy speaks volumes on my own feeling about it. It’s like there’s this little girl inside of me jumping up and down and screaming, “Don’t look at my ass! It lies! See me! Look at ME!”
My P.A. did it in my appointment with him last week. (In retrospect, I realized that he WAS condescending to me. Why do I have such a difficult time being angry with people I know IRL? If someone had treated me like that online, I would have kicked his *skinny* ass.) Friday-guy did it to me both then (inspiring my need to “excuse myself”) and today in an email. The message is this: “You SAY you’re active, but really, you’re full of shit, and I don’t believe what you say about everything else.” Fine. You want anger? I’m angry.
I am angry. I am hurt. I planned to write a short, flippant post about “hey, glad I dodged THAT bullet,” but I think I had more to say and feel.
Fuck me. How is any man I meet supposed to see me as worthy when I don’t see myself that way in the first place? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I’m going to take a bath. But before then, I have to wonder, with a little evil laughter. Should I even reply to this email? Dear (name), Thanks for your honesty; I can appreciate your taking the time to get inside your own head and figure out where you stand. Thanks also for saving me from wasting my time. I can lose weight. You’ll still be a shallow asshole.
12 Responses to “Pain and Anger. Anger and Pain.”
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Ok, I don’t comment here much (although I read a lot), especially when you’re talking about relationship stuff, because I’m a man, and, therefore, likely an egocentric asshole, and certainly not in tune with the female psyche as it pertains to dating in the 21st century. I’ve been married 17 years and have only a marginally better understanding of one woman in particular, let alone all of womankind. So if I say something stupid, please forgive me.
Having said that, HOLY SWEET MOTHER FREAKIN’ MARY!!! Did that jackass just tell you your body-type doesn’t suit his personal preference, so he’s not really interested?
I don’t know where to start on this guy.
First, he had better be looking like Brad-fucking-Pitt if he’s going to impose a standard like that with a straight face.
Second, even if he does…AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! (that was me, snapping his scrawny neck, stupid little prick)
Wow, Allison. I do understand how angry you are. I’m pretty pissed myself. I want to tell you to not let crap like that bother you, but…you know…that’s meaningless. I don’t have the solution, and you’re not looking for one from me anyway. It’s part of living. If it helps, I think you’re way cool.
And curvy rocks in my book.
Wait. He thought you were a good intellectual, cultural, and social fit, but because you’re too curvy, no thanks?
So what he’s saying is that he’d rather be bored out of his tree, he’d rather spend time with someone he can neither talk to nor laugh with, with whom he shares no interests, just so long as she has the right body type. She could be dumb as a tree and nasty to boot, but as long as she has thin thighs and a tight tummy, she’s the perfect woman for him?
What a dork.
We all have our preferences in terms of physical traits we find attractive. But for some of us, intelligence and personality trump those preferences.
He gets .0000094 point for being honest so you don’t waste your time with a complete fuckwit.
As someone who’s fat, I know it’s hard to negotiate living as a woman in our society for these reasons. It’s taken a long time for me to be fat and proud it takes work to get over the cultural expectations and standards.
Of course, at a 12/14 you’re not fat (I say this not to remove the possibility of insult, because in my vocabulary “fat” is not an offensive term).
Anyway, I’m just another voice (adding to the previous commenters’ and your own) saying that you deserve ONLY the best in mates. I hope your next date goes well!
I took a bath and it calmed me right down.
Kidding.
Actually, I took a shower and composed (in my head, of course) a long blog post about a bunch of my own hangups. I was a long, wandering rant, and I was going to title it “Making Sausage,” because it wasn’t pretty.
I got out of the shower to find my mom at the top of the steps as I ran to get Maya up from her nap. That’s always fun when you’re carrying, but not wearing a towel. I explained to her that we were *not* going shopping this afternoon, because I did *not* feel like it — but left it at that. (One of my rants was directed at her…what was that about unexpressed anger?)
By the time she left, the fight had pretty well burned out of me, and I’m just tired. At least I’m calmer.
I also discovered a few remaining issues — tendencies toward lie-based thinking, if you will — of my own to muddle through.
Ambivalent (adjective): Possessing intense feelings in opposition to each other.
So he is ambivalent to your womanly shape is he? I hope he doesn’t mean “ambiguous”, saying that he is luke-warm about it. No man has a half-hearted opinion about how women look. No man.
If he is ambivalent it means he feels two very intense things. As a counselor for almost 30 years, allow me to give an educated guess as to what he feels intensely opposite about. (I love doing this when I don’t have to counsel him…although I think my rates would hit the $200/hour mark with him).
First, he probably finds you intensely attractive and several times in the date I can imagine he was having a slightly-less-than-intelligent conversation with your chest. (Alli nods in agreement). The other intense feeling is that he thinks his business contacts and other so-called “friends” would not consider a shapely woman to be good enough as “arm-candy” which means that he thinks more of his image and position than you.
Or, it could be latent hostility towards a decidedly fit and sensuous female highlighting some obvious deficiencies in his maleness. That’s my theory, and I’m sticking to it.
Dorsey: Whether you think you’re a relationship idiot or not, you’re always welcome to comment. I kind of like getting the perspective of a male who doesn’t have a horse in the race! Thanks for the reassurance.
Laura: I think you hit it. I’d prefer to think that he, instead, is hoping to find the “whole package” — and I just wasn’t it. But realistically, from parts of our conversation, I think he needs to grow up, and that you’re correct.
Jenny: Yes, he gets a partial point for being honest. It’s his absolute right to have preferences, and I would never say otherwise. What I find odd is that I revisited his profile, and while “curvy” wasn’t one of his choices, “a few extra pounds” was — and to me, that implies more weight! Eh, whatever.
Mike: Boy, would I love to be a fly on the wall for that counseling session! The great irony of this? He’s a therapist. I think he just phrased his email badly. Rather than being ambivalent about my figure, he was ambivalent about ME. I’m reminded of the scene in The Truth About Cats and Dogs where Abby says, “…but those things don’t come in that package. They come in THIS one.” Yup.
I’m calmer. A girlfriend gave me a little bit of a reality check/reminder that if I’d carried myself like a million bucks *without* mentioning my curviness, it’s possible he’d not have even thought twice. But really, I doubt it — he actually commented at one point, “you’re extremely self-confident, aren’t you?” Why shouldn’t I be?
One final thing — Mike, you mentioned arm-candy, and I completely agree with that guess. I wrote a post a couple months ago linking to one by Hugo that describes exactly what you suggest!
Okay everyone…which would you choose for a date?
This one or this one?
CZJ, for sure. Did you see these photos of Keira? She apparently *swears* that she’s not anorexic, but could she really possibly think this looks healthy?
Yikes. Clearly I’m behind on my reading…so many thoughts, racing…
1. The guy is clearly a f’in idiot.
2. It doesn’t help that us mamas are sensitive about our post-baby bodies.
3. Good for you for buying clothes that fit now. I avoided that for too long and it wasn’t cute. Then I justified my purchases with a “well, when I get preggo again these jeans can be for my post-baby transition”. I literally have *at least* 4 different sizes of clothes, and am trying to be organized about it.
4. It’s not just you unhappy with you. As smart as you are, we are impacted on some level by society and what is considered acceptable. Mom’s with 2 year-olds? and a BMI higher than we’d like? Not acceptable.
5. The grass is always greener. I am .5 from pre-preg weight…or rather, the-day-I-found-out-weight. But you know what? Still feelin’ like plumpville and my body is definitely organized differently.
6. Lastly, keep on keepin’ on!