I love it when an example from someone else’s life helps me explain something in my own. Today’s contribution comes from Hugo:

One of my earliest spiritual directors told me that in addition to a variety of spiritual activities, I needed to be celibate. He defined celibacy as not only no sexual activity, but also no dating, flirting, or what he liked to call “intriguing” (I love that verb) with women. I asked how long this period was supposed to last, and he gave me the typical spiritual director answer: “You’ll know. For now, just do this a day at a time.”

…

Thinking about what my director was asking me to do, I realized that I had spent years and years chasing the next exciting relationship. As much as I liked “going out” with various women, what I really loved was the fantasy that that night’s date might be “the one”, the one who was going to make me content and happy. I was always just one woman away from contentment! Just the prospect of someone new filled me with tremendous anticipation. I lived for years and years oscillating between hope and disappointment, idealization and disillusionment, neediness and loneliness. It’s not a happy way to live, and I know plenty of men and women who’ve lived that way — and some who still do.

(emphasis added)

Yeah, that’s definitely part of it for me. When I’m in the dating mindset, I think about “the one” a lot. I’m not talking about just the ocassional date and its excitement. I’m talking about spending hours, HOURS on match.com or whatever other dating site, in search of the elusive person who would make my life feel complete. It’s pathetic, really. Worse, searching for completion through another person becomes an easy way to stop looking at how I can improve my life by improving myself. It’s a vicious cycle during which, I spend so much time and energy searching for someone who meets *my* criteria that I neglect to work toward becoming the person I want to be…the person “the one” might also be seeking.

In other words, even if I find “the one,” chances are, he’s not looking for ME — at least not the “me” I am when I’m in dating mode.