I began to imagine this inner sanctuary deep within myself where God lives and reigns; the deep place where God has access to me; the deep place within that God “sits.”

I discovered a deep peace and acceptance. It was as if my soul broke open and I could sense the inner Light of God; it was comforting.

from A New Life Emerging

Something’s happening. Over the past few months, I’ve found myself ignoring my spirit and focusing on my mind. While the mind is a good thing — powerful, even — by itself, it’s incomplete. One of the biggest drives in my search for my “next” direction has been a desire to leave a mark on the world, to do something lasting that would improve others’ lives, long after I’m gone. My approach has been relatively dispassionate, considering how passionate my feelings about doing something. I’ve looked at grad schools. I’ve thought pragmatically about programs, research, areas of study, potential thesis/dissertation subjects, and how the hell to finance all of these dreams and ideas.

As I consider each possibility, I find myself looking at the end result. “So, if I get an EdS, in school psychology, what will I be doing in X years? How long will it take to pay off the (seemingly inevitable) student loans? What about a PhD in Psychology? Will I be able to have any impact on public policy?” It’s a never-ending stream of questions — and fears — about whether I will be able to accomplish anything (other than mounting a huge debt) and whether I’ll be financially ruined afterward. It’s been about reality. It’s been too much about reality.

There was a time in my life when I felt that I could hear God. I’m not talking about an audible voice, but rather just a sense of knowing. As I’ve tried to push myself to be as rational and pragmatic about my decisions as possible, I’ve also found ways to explain away this voice. It’s my own mind, gathering thousands, millions, billions of pieces of information and coming to conclusions. It’s certainly not God. In part, I don’t want to think of it as God, because I don’t want to be either a) dependent or b) stupid and irresponsible.

Stupid and irresponsible? Well, yeah. I’ve seen so many “Christians” who’ve given up any autonomy and decision-making power to this grand idea of “God’s will” when the right decisions were staring them in the face. They ignore many realities of life waiting for “God” to tell them what to do…when maybe He was, through little things in their lives. I never want to be one of those people, so strongly that maybe — just maybe — I’ve gone too far to the other extreme.

How do I learn to listen again?

In another post, Rick tells of hearing God and starting to trust, starting to know which direction he should head. As I read this, something exploded inside me, and I cried. Hell, I’m still crying. My chest is tight, and I’m terrified, but also a little relieved. Could it be so simple, that I don’t have to make all of the decisions myself? …That I don’t have to be so stubbornly self-sufficient (doing it badly, but damn it all, I’m independent)? …That there could actually be some road that I’m “supposed” to be on?

The trap of “supposed to”…

I’ve spent much of my life in chains to “supposed to” in one form or another. As a child and teeneage (and to a point, even in college), I didn’t think much about what I wanted to do, but was more concerned about doing what I was “supposed to do.” Through my 20s and 30s, I’ve been fighting the notion that I have to live up to anyone else’s definition of “supposed to.”

And now? I’m back to square one. Sort of.

What should I do with my life, anyway?

Let’s start with what I know:

• I’ve decided to let real estate go. I mistakenly allowed my license to expire (oops) at the end of 2005, and I’ve decided to not renew. The truth is, if I were to become successful in real estate, I wouldn’t pursue the things I really want to do, the things that drive my passions. I hate admitting that about myself, but it’s true. The money would be addictive, and I wouldn’t want to let it go.
• I’m not positive, but fairly certain that I want to head to graduate school. I have a whole list of things I’d love to study bouncing around in my head like so many superballs…someday, I’ll actually start writing them down.
• As I do “whatever” it is that I will do, I want to continue to nurture this amazing little girl I have entrusted to my care. It’s a cliche, but raising her to be a happy, responsible, well-adjusted, and loving person is the most important thing I could possibly do. Too bad that doesn’t pay the bills.

That’s a start, and I’m no longer crying, but still completely at a loss what to do next. I feel almost unworthy to pray and say, “God, now what?” since I’ve pretty much ignored him for so long.

Added:
After a while, I returned to my computer, and ANLE was still open on my desktop. I scrolled through, and realized I’d missed a post or two along the way (I was focusing on reading his narrative, not the daily thoughts). In one of those posts, I found this:

God is in our lives whether we know it or not. Even when you cannot feel God or think that you have lost your way, God is there. This journey is not about an institution or finding a church. This journey is about meeting and encountering God in our daily life and one definitely does not need to be religious to encounter God. I believe the message of Jesus’ life is about humanity discovering the nearing presence of God in our midst. God has come searching for us. God is looking for you. Regardless of where you are in your journey God is looking for you. God seeks us until we are found. It is about love. The love of God is the reason we exist. You are not bad and unworthy despite what conventional religion may have attempted to get you to believe. You are loved by the Source of Light and Life. Jesus said that the “kingdom” of God is in us.

Go to your closet, open your heart and you will find God is already there waiting for you.

You are loved.
You are loved.
You are loved.

(emphasis added)

Damn it all, there go the tears again. Now what?