From Operating Instructions:

Larry called me one night at the end of my pregnancy when I was just desvastated by the thought of the hole in Sam’s life bacuase he wouldn’t have a dad, how much that was probably going to hurt and how I wasn’t going to be able to do much about it. He said that I was just an opening for Sam to come into the world, that I wasn’t supposed to be a drug for him. I was just supposed to be his mother. Sam was meant to be born into the world exactly the way it is, into these exact circumstances, even if that meant not having a dad or an ozone layer, even if it included pets who would die and acne and seventh-grade dances and AIDS. He simply wasn’t meant to be born in the paradise behind the mountains.

I’ve given the basics of the story of Maya’s biological father, but haven’t yet explored much (here, anyway) my thoughts on the reality that she’s growing up without a dad in her life. In many ways, after I’ve gotten past all the guilt of not providing Maya with a daddy, I realize that she has the opportunity for a more healthy emotional life than many kids *with* fathers have…and that it’s okay.

When I purchased Operating Instructions, I also picked up a copy of Boundaries and Relationships. It’s still not the for-the-masses type book that I’d like to see out there, but so far, it’s doing a decent job of explaining healthy personal boundaries sans religion. (Religion is NOT a prerequisite for emotional health and moral behavior!) I’m starting to slowly get a feel for what some of my remaining issues may be, and as I do, I feel sad that I’ve wasted so much time on them.

But then I look at Maya, and I realize that in her, there’s the chance to get it right…or mostly right, at least. That I can help her to find herself, not “the person mommy wants her to be.” That she might grow up with fewer “issues” than the average bear, and become a stronger woman at 14 than I am at 34. When I see that possibility, I realize that all of my baggage (unpacking it anyway) has been completely worthwhile.