This isn’t a post bemoaning the Religious Right’s careful control of what may be said/not said on a local radio station (although I learned a bit about the “Kingdom Watchers” from a local TV personality who works out at my gym and recently guest-hosted on a local Christian station).

This isn’t about the politically-correct left and how some factions are so cautious about not offending anyone that they breeze by the truth in the process.

Nope…this is about the worst kind of censorship: self-censorship.

Before I go on, I have to admit that’s a bit overstated. A little bit of self-censorship is a good thing. It helps us keep friends. It keeps us from getting punched in the nose. It keeps peace within the family. When it’s on my own blog — you know, the one I created to be a free outlet for my thoughts — that’s not so good.

Why am I censoring myself? I find myself wondering that tonight, as I realize that I have a million thoughts on my mind — and that I’ve had just as many thoughts over the past week or two while I’ve studiously avoided blogging anything serious. The lack of blogging doesn’t speak to a lack of bloggable material; I have plenty to talk about. So why the holdup?

Without meaning to, I realize I’ve fallen into the trap of writing for an audience instead of for myself. While the audience may or may not be there, it’s not the reason for writing…it’s secondary. Sitting here thinking about something that I should “journal,” but not wanting to write it on the web…that just got my gears turning.

So what’s the point of this blog, anyway?

I’m thinking about this question, and starting to come up with a few answers…

• It’s an outlet for all the thoughts that dance in my head — for those moments when the dancing turns into moshing, and I need to get them out before a headache starts.
• It’s a space where I can think out loud about my feelings and thoughts on religion…and “try things on for size.” Sounds a little silly (when I look at it in writing), but it’s just another way of saying that I need to put new ideas into words then come back to them to see if they still make sense hours — or days — later.
• Life cracks me up. People amuse me. The thoughts I have when I see people out on the street aren’t always nice, but they’re always REAL.

That’s a decent start. So why do I censor?

• There’s a community of “progressive” Christian bloggers out there…and I feel that in some respects, I’m supposed to “look” Christian (even though I’ve questioned that before here). Heaven forbid I stay real. But then, what’s the point of writing if I’m NOT being real (that is, authentically myself) while doing it?
• I’ve been frustrated with myself a lot lately. There are still places where I keep beating my head against a wall. I’m aware of these spots in my life, and want to do better, but the dent in the sheetrock keeps getting deeper. As much as it pains me to admit it, I have no qualms with sharing my own issues if they’re in the past. Any idiot can question my actions and motives and, because I’ve resolved my own thoughts on myself, I’m okay with it. But dear lord…if I threw current issues out there, and someone tried to skewer me? I’d be crushed. Ouch, you don’t even know how much I hate admitting that.

What’s weird about all of this is that I’m not trying to appear to have it “all together” — I know that no one actually does. So what is it I’m doing?