I have photos to post from today’s hike (on the other blog), but for now, I just need to put a few thoughts on “paper,” so to speak.

I’m lonely.

Part 1: Friends

It’s not that I don’t have people in my life. I have a “mommy group” that I participate in regularly, and have found a few women on that group I gladly claim as friends. Of course, none of them live anywhere near me.

Here in town, I have a small social circle — an amazing thing, considering that I’ve lived in Colorado for more than seven years, and all but a year of that has been in Colorado Springs. Before I moved here, I had all sorts of people in my life! Why is it that here, I just haven’t found anything that sticks? I imagine that much of it is due to my age. Let’s face it, after college, it becomes increasingly difficult to meet people. My broad circle of friends in Houston were largely people I knew through college, then an “extended” circle via them. Beyond that, though, it’s deeper. It’s not that I haven’t met people here. I just haven’t met people who do it for me…

What was that I posted about needing a “snotty bitch” category?

A few weeks ago, I joined a local playgroup, and after the first meetup I attended, I was really optimistic about these ladies. They’re smart. They’re not the conservative freaks that are this town’s norm. Yet, I’m still just not clicking with them. Why is that? I’ve even reached out some — and am supposed to be the hostess for a 4th of July gathering — but I’m just not getting anywhere. I really regret offering to host the shindig tomorrow. Right now, it appears that there *might* be two other people (with their kids) who will show. One, I’ve barely met. The other, I’m not sure how much I’m really excited about getting all cozy. It’s tempting to (lie and) say that Maya’s not well…and cancel. I know, it wouldn’t be the “right thing to do” — and I won’t do it. That doesn’t allay my feeling that tomorrow evening is going to suck, and that I really would have been better off keeping my mouth shut and staying home.

Am I just too impatient? In some ways, I almost feel that I’m not “earthy/crunchy” enough (witness my match handle, semi_crunchy — changing it today, btw) to fit in with this group…like they’re reactionary to the Colorado Springs norm, and anything “conventional” will be frowned on. Chances are, I’m projecting that one.

So why, then, when I’ve met up with this group do I suddenly feel like I’m in 8th grade again, the one girl out of six in my class who wasn’t invited to be a part of the lip-synch group? (sad that I still feel hurt about that one…it’s been 20 years FOR FUCK’S SAKE) Most of the time, I really feel no fear of being rejected by others. That said, I’m starting to think that’s purely because I don’t allow myself to give a shit. What would it take for me to actually develop some genuine friendships? A couple years ago, some counseling helped me to let go of some preconceptions about myself — and changed my life dramatically. Maybe I still have at least one big-assed preconception I need to drop: I won’t ever fit in.

Part 2: Dating

Believe it or not, this is actually the less important issue to me. I love being a single mom. I love calling the shots, doing things my way, and bonding with my daughter. There’s this one little problem…it seems that once people hit my age, most women have a built-in best friend, otherwise known as “dh” (darling husband, damned hothead, dick head…whatever you want to call him that day). I’m not craving the romance anymore — I’m kind of over that. But goddammit, I really want a friend in whom I can confide anything…someone who just gets it.

Reinstating a profile on match.com has, once again, given me some insights to my own wants and needs. The first insight: I’m not desperate for a man. Not even remotely. If I’m completely honest, there was a longing…a burning desire…in me at one point to find “the one” — so much so, that my standards just weren’t what they should have been. Now? Nothing short of a prince will do. Not *literally* a prince, of course. Yuck, how sucky would that be to have to be so formal all the time? No, I mean a prince of a man…someone who’s eloquent, educated, attractive, funny, communicative, emotionally healthy, and active. And down-to-earth. And (most importantly) loves both me and my daughter — that, of course, would come with time (though more time for me than for her — she’s instantly lovable to any and all). Shopping around the various profiles, I’ve realized something: if I really want to meet someone — someone who meets my standards — I need to move.

Colorado Springs is home to many nice people — don’t get me wrong. Just not the nice people I want to date or marry. ***sigh***

That’s enough whining for one night.